Wow how does someone go back after looking like she was in the ring? Like its physical evidence not a miscommunication or weaponized incompetence. Meanwhile, ppl on earlier post today breaking up over shampoo choice.

Final Update - 7 days later (5 days from the last post) (Update 2) AITAH for not wanting to help my sister with her abusive relationship this time - September 10, 2025

I’m a bit numb. I didn’t think I would make another update, but things have happened. On Sunday, all I know is or heard from family was that my sister went back to Jared and worked things out and didn’t need help.

Last night, Jared’s sister, who is also my sisters “bff”(I put it in quotes cuz no real bff would allow their friend to stay with an abusive partner even if it’s their brother), showed up randomly. She was cordial and said “things have changed” and that my sister sent her.

Long story short, unknown to my family and I, Jared had been cheating on my sister(repeatedly, and yeah, what a shock totally out of character). She was disappointed and he denied it. She had the smart idea that getting off birth control, lying to Jared, and baby trapping him would “fix” their relationship. The reason she was trying to get away from Jared and didn’t want the police involved was that she wanted to tell him in a safe space and “go back” after he calmed down. He was beating her cuz he didn’t know why she was trying to leave.

Well, she ended up telling him on Sunday in the presence of Jared’s sister, and he surprisingly didn’t get mad and hugged her and said “it doesn’t matter I’ve always wanted a family” and promised to “change for their little miracle”. My sister also sent a letter with Jared’s sister confirming everything. She wants me to be their “little miracle’s” godfather. A letter from Jared too, apologizing for the past, and to forgive the “dad of my nephew or niece” and be “one family with them”(deadbeat thinks I’ll hand over cash, I suspect). I sent Jared’s sister out, in a nice and respectful manner and told her I would contact my sister when I felt like it.

I sat down to process this news and called my family, after unblocking them. Two hour conversation with my dad and the biggest worry for him was something along this: “that kid will be [slur for an illegitimate kid] if it’s born like this, and taint our bloodline; I’m coming over and getting them married, so that we don’t have to dishonor our lineage”. No mention that she’s having a kid with an abusive POS and she doesn’t work and Jared can’t hold down a job. When I mentioned that, he said: “it’s okay I can send money. Whatever happened, too late now, help me fix it instead of being pessimistic”. Of course, they’ll pay for their angel and their angles grandkid.

I’m totally numb. I feel like the only sane person. Apparently Jared said “I hope she’s a daughter who looks like her mom”, and it made my sister swoon. I’m in fucking shock. These assholes are bringing life into the world like it’s nothing. I’m not a religious person, but I do consider the act of bringing life into the world as sacred and not something done so callously. My sister’s inability to protect herself was one thing; but knowingly bringing in a kid to be raised in that FUCKING TOXIC environment? I have lost ALL RESPECT for her. It’s fucking insane!

And my family doesn’t give a shit! They don’t care if their grandkid is abused as long as that grandkid is legitimate! What the actual fuck is wrong with these people man!

I told my friends(Mark and the others). I took off work today to sit down and process this shit. It’s one thing when she makes mistakes and I get dragged into it. She’s not understanding her craziness is going to impact an innocent fucking child that didn’t ask to be born into this shit. I’m so goddamn clueless, idk what to do.

When I told my folks they said “well she doesn’t want to abort it or anything, are you willing to take care of your nephew/niece”. No man I don’t wanna take care of the kid cuz I got my own life, but I also don’t think that bars me from criticizing her choices, what the actual FUCK. They can’t raise the kid either cuz they’re a bunch of old fucks.

I just wanting to get this off my fucking chest. I know I cussed a lot, I apologize. I’m dealing with the fact that reality is presenting me a nephew/niece who’s gonna be born to grandparents that value the kids legitimacy over the kids life, a mom that’s obsessed with its dad, an abusive dead beat dad, and an uncle that doesn’t know how to, and probably might not be able to help, especially if I move for work( and the fact I’ve never wanted kids to begin with).

FROM OOPs DELETED COMMENT

We are literally Indian(South Asian) ethnically

TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

u/CocoaAlmondsRock

Stay away from the whole mess. You can’t fix it. You can’t help someone who is purposely making awful choices.

Just go NC with… everyone?.. to save yourself the heartache.

It gets worse from here, but at no point will it be your responsibility.

OOP

I am determined to cut my family off, but my heart fucking aches for her future kid. Poor kid didn’t ask to be born into this clusterfuck man. I hate her so much for bringing a kid into the mess she got herself into. This is so fucked. She’s literally told me about how whenever Jared babysits his older brother’s kids, he “plays rough” with them. I’m worried about the kid, my parents, her, and Jared can all fuck off.

u/marvel_nut

Tip off the equivalent of CPS wherever you are, as well as the hospital(s) where your sister is likely to give birth, with your concerns that the child will be living in an abusive and toxic environment. With any luck they’ll be able to keep an eye on the family especially if there is a police record of domestic violence.

u/Apprehensive_War9612

If he does she will deny he beat her and likely accuse OP.

OOP

This is my cause for concern with this option as well. My friends have told me not to make any decisions without consulting a lawyer if I do go down that route, so I will be contacting a lawyer if I choose to get involved in this capacity.

u/SpecialModusOperandi

It’s too late now - she’s pregnant. You can’t do anything about the choices that adults make - it doesn’t matter how bad you think the situation is because you can’t make them see.

All you can do is focus on you.

This is a repost sub - I am not the OOP.

Do not contact the OOP’s or comment on linked posts, remember - Rule 7

My friends have been shocked, but supportive. Only they get me since they saw the initial nuclear fallout I had to deal with. When(cuz it’s not an if anymore) my family cuts me off, so be it. I’m okay without them. They’ve done nothing but make me a scapegoat for all their issues(beyond this too) their entire life. I hate those parasites.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent guys and sorry for not having a more positive update. Hopefully my last update on the situation. I wanna just live my life and focus on myself.

TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

u/CaptainBeefy79

Next time your sister shows up, can you just drop her off on a bus/train back to your parents home? Then, she’d finally be their problem.

OOP

Tbh, I don’t even wanna see her, plus my parents live across the Atlantic back home in their home country. I don’t even think my sister would survive there cuz neither of us know our native language and we’ve never been there.

And, also, she’s in a terrible condition. Bloody, beaten, bruised, black eye(swollen shut), cuts(literally has gashes over her body and on her lip), etc. I can’t bear to see her like that, it makes me almost throw up. She looks like she’s been in a boxing ring. It’s horrible. The last time I saw her like this was when I had to get her out the first time.

I fear if I see her once more I may not have the strength to walk away and make the right choice. So for my sake, I can’t see her anymore.

u/jthr0

Agree with the commenters below - you’re handling this way better than most people would. And I’m glad to hear that your boss is good with you? He had the right idea about giving her picture & description to the security desk.

Is there any way to clear your name with some of your colleagues? Is there someone in your workplace that you trust, that you can take out for coffee and explain it all/get their help?

OOP

Nah my names dragged through the mud there. I’m competing against another lady for the promotion I mentioned, and she was very quick to hop on this and call me a “patriarchal misogynist” among other buzzwords. A lot of people are on her side. She’s always controlled the “social scene” among the “desk jockey management” like us.

Thankfully, she was confirmed to be out of the running behind the scenes, and it’s just me and another lady(she’s nice and didn’t hop on it at all, she just does her own thing always). My bosses and corporate don’t care about behavior only results. Idk why she thought dragging my name in front of them would help her in anyway, when I’ve exceeded her quarterlies by a minimum of 17% every quarter, since I’ve joined. She’s older than me and has worked longer than me, so I figured she would understand how soulless and ruthless corporate is about caring about results only, so I’m not sure what her move was.

If I get the promotion in a couple of months(which seems likely), I’m gonna transition slowly and become full time at the corporate HQ on the other side of the country. No point is engaging in drama trying to clear my name now, imo. As long as the people in charge of the decision know the truth I’m okay with it.

u/Secret_Double_9239

NTA you helped her once even though it put you in danger. It’s hard to help people in abusive relationships especially when you are put in danger and there is a chance they could go back to the abuser again. It’s a difficult situation but she needs to file a police report and seek assistance from an abuse organisation.

OOP

According to her conversation with Mark, she thinks it’s prudent to “not get the police involved” and she just wants to “go, live with family, and put Jared behind me”.

I’m of the opinion that if she truly cared and wanted a way out, she would want to bury that asshole under the fucking prison, for what he does to her and has done to me. I don’t think she will ever leave him tbh, and when Mark told me that, it kinda sealed the deal for my slightly wavering mind.

u/platypod

Are you familiar with the “golden child/scape goat” dynamic?

I’m probably reading too much into several of your comments, but it sounds like there are two problems coming from your parents - (1) your sister can do no wrong and must be supported, catered, and deferred to in all things(the golden child), and (2) you are required to be the one to fix family problems, no one else will put in a tenth of the effort they expect of you (the scape goat).

If that’s the case, it might well be time to step back from your family. Maybe talk to a therapist, spiritual leader, or trusted friends. Find your peace.

OOP

Oh my god this is what it is. My parents have always had a soft spot for her cuz she was a preemie and they thought she wasn’t gonna make it the first few months. Thank you, didn’t realize there was a name for it. I’ve always had to be the “older brother” and clean up after her and always put up with anything she does. I still love her but I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Probably gonna do therapy cuz even though I feel like I made the right choice, every time I close my eyes I still see her bruised/cut/gashed/beat body. It think it’s definitely fucking with me more than I like to admit.

u/crazeelala2u

NTA

Maybe this has been asked. But why haven’t your parents sent for her? She coukd go live with them and help them maybe?

OOP

So my parents retired to our “home” country. However, her and I were born and raised in America. We’ve never been to the old country and can’t speak our native language either. Normally this is something that you can adapt to adjust to over time.

However, in her words not mine, she thinks the motherland is a “shithole country” and she “would never set foot in that shithole”. My parents have always catered to her needs, so even now post retirement, they always come to see us. I’ve never gone to see them either cuz they usually come and see me after catching up with her.

Basically just an extenuation of her self-hatred/internalized racism imo, is why she can’t go back there. I think she would legitimately prefer this situation than to stay even temporarily with my parents over there which is why she’s never taken them up on their offer.

Update - 2 days later (Update) AITAH for not wanting to help my sister with her abusive relationship this time - September 5, 2025

So the events in the previous post occurred 2-3 ish days ago, and some stuff has happened since then and since I posted it as well. First of all, thank you for the people who understood what it was like and told me I shouldn’t have to clean up after another adult. That was so validating to hear. I know the tide changed a bit after, but I’m putting myself first for the first time in my life.

Some clarification first; just cuz Mark’s cousin is my boss doesn’t mean I can slack. Mark’s cousin connection helped me land a stage 1 interview. I had to go through 3-4 rounds of the interview process like every other applicant. It’s just that the company usually hires internally for my position, but I was able to come in externally cuz of Marks cousin. I only got the job after the guy they initially hired jumped ship for a better job at another company. Idk why people assumed I can skate by at my job. Plus Mark and his cousin aren’t tight, and his cousin is straight laced and direct to the point.

So after the fiasco at my workplace, where I gotta make a living, I’m chill with the security guards. As per my boss’(Marks cousin) suggestion, I handed the photos of my sister and her description to building security so that they can make sure I don’t get harassed next time, and they can threaten legal action and trespassing if she doesn’t heed to warnings of not crossing into private property.

I live in a gated apartment community, so I followed through with the same thing with the leasing/security office for them. Sure enough, the next day, she tried showing up to my apartment complex and using my code to scan in(I gave my code to my parents just in case they visit, they must’ve leaked it to her). She was escorted away, but she must’ve thought she could’ve just waited at the door.

Unfortunately, was hard to hear, but she was kicking and screaming and begging them to call “her brother” and that I “still love her for sure”. Oh man it fucking hurt to hear. Did a number on me. Suffice to say, this blew up even more in the family group chat. “You got security to chase away your sister”, etc. I’m legit getting threats. My mother sent me a long ass text about how she should’ve aborted me, or prayed for a fucking miscarriage lol. One minute they’re angry I’m ignoring their calls, next minute I deserve to have never been born. And somehow, I’m the bad guy still btw.

Anyway, Mark didn’t know about any of this. She showed up to his workplace the same day she came to my apartment. Mark was respectful but said he couldn’t help her due to his mental health. He said he would try to talk to me. And yeah, he talked to me and told me if I’m “punishing” her for what she did to him, it’s not needed and I should just help my sister out. I kinda broke down and cried(yeah, yeah, I know) and told him it’s not that it’s just me putting myself first. I’m tired of having to be the one to clean up after her mess always. He understood.

As for my cousin who was supposed to come to help her; lo and behold guess who “suddenly got some work” when he realized he would have to provide financial support or a place to stay for her? That’s right, the guy who criticized me for not helping has ghosted the family!

My dad is not able to visit due to some reasons, and my mom, unknown to me guess they never wanted to mention it, is actually immobilized in her leg from a partial stroke or something(idk what it is, I just know it’s something). She can’t come cuz she can’t move and can’t afford to miss PT sessions. Had to find out through a second fucking cousin, who also called to berate me. So it’s hinging on my dad now, who’s also old and unable to travel cuz of some paperwork issue or something(once again I’m not being kept in the loop here).

I feel horrible about all of this. I hate Jared and hope he’s brought to justice, but I am in line for a promotion at work, I may be able to get my dream role. I’m putting in extra hours. I can’t afford to throw away my life or endanger everything I built for her again. Cuz even if I throw everything away to help her, I can live with it if she’s fine. But she may just go back to that fuck again. I’m putting myself first.

u/2cents0fucks

As a past abuse survivor: NTA. If it were me, would I help her? Yes. But after what you’ve been through already, I can’t blame you for not wanting to put your job, your safety, and your health at risk.

She made her choice, and ultimately, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She is a perfect candidate for a battered women’s shelter (a lot of times they won’t take people in unless they are being abused, well, she clearly, visibly is). The question you need to ask yourself is, if something terrible happened to her, would you be able to forgive yourself? I don’t say this to manipulate or guilt you, but to ask you to sit for a bit and process and think, about the worst case for her and how you’d feel, and the worst case for you if you do decide to help. Good luck.

u/BigConfidence1563

NTA And I say it as a victim of abuse. I say it as a daughter of woman who was horribly abused. You trying to help her won’t do shit. You will only risk your own wellbeing. I am done with Reddit crying and saying that you should put your own ass at risk again. I would NEVER let my brother to be at risk of my abuser. Don’t you dare taking this dumpster of fire back in again. Screw Mark, it’s about your own safety.

u/BarRegular2684

Nah. It usually takes a woman multiple attempts to leave an abusive partner. If I remember correctly the average is 7 attempts. Abusers have a variety of tactics to draw on and they’ll use every one to keep control.

That said, you’re under no obligation to keep risking yourself and your friends to pull her out, especially after what she did to Mark. I don’t blame you for closing that door.

I hope she gets away and stays away, but you do not need to be a part of it. You warned her before.

Want to here the ex side if things. Bet that’s fun.

“My man’s a terrible cook but his male friends eats it so he keeps making it for him and not improving for me.”

Or something

----NEW UPDATE---- Final Update: January 5, 2026 (5.5 months later)

FINAL UPDATE: AITAH? My fiancée is demanding I stop making home cooked meals for my friend

Just wanted to drop some final reflections as we enter the new year. Thankfully, I’m in a totally different place now than I was just midway through 2025.

Leaving my previous relationship was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. No longer being with someone who actively disliked my personality at best, and had contempt for me at worst, feels like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. The holidays were always difficult since I love cooking for my family, and my ex would usually complain that it wasn’t something she would eat.

This year was peaceful. The company Jace works for tries to get all their men home by Christmas. He then used the PTO he’s saved up to stay home through the new year. I got two very happy Christmases with my family and his. I got to spend time with his mother again, who I adore. Then we had a pretty quiet New Year’s Eve together.

It feels good to have my self-esteem back, to not be with someone who tears me down. Truthfully, that relationship just felt like character development to get here, to a much happier and calmer 2026. I appreciate the people who gave me genuine advice and didn’t try to paint my past actions as malicious, since they never were.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Glad you’re in a happier, healthier place.

All the best for 2026.

Commenter 2: Congratulations on a stressless festive vacation . It’s always better to be with people who appreciate you than being in a hostile relationship with someone who would rather criticize and sabotage you than cheer you on .

Commenter 3: Love the character development way to look at it. So many people are unwilling to drop a relationship that just doesn’t work anymore because of the sunk cost fallacy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

OOP (downvoted):

1. I touched on this in a comment on the original post, but I’ve cooked her food and have been rebuffed in the past. The situation that I mentioned in another comment and the one that always felt particularly rude was when I made her homemade mac and cheese, and she said she preferred Kraft.

2. Of course I love him. I know a lot of people here are speculating about that being more than friendly. I only really want to address that here once and be done with it. I’d just like to say, I would never be unfaithful. I’m not concerned with what constitutes a typical friendship. Taking care of a friend isn’t cheating. I didn’t expect that to be overanalyzed.

Commenter 3: I knew from the OG this would go the way of the art room… though this is more rugged, his “friend” is a truck driver. The dude “jokingly” refers to him as his wife too.

OOP: I had to take some time to read through this original post since it keeps getting referenced.

I’m curious how you think this “went the way of the art room.”

My girlfriend and I are taking a break because she hurt me. I have a good friend. There aren’t even any similarities between my situation and what everyone keeps linking. I didn’t leave her for another person. I was not cruel to her. I feel like my situation is being misrepresented for a cheap joke.

EDIT: I’m being mass downvoted for saying I don’t appreciate jokes insinuating I would cheat in my relationships. I have no interest engaging here further.

I think that petco is pretty sick of they wont let ppl use the tiny live mice as pets and only for food. Like wtf

Talk about unessessary escalation.

Yeah I can see how maybe its too early to get rando items and she may not like that. I dont like gifts even from my SO they always make me
feel off. But wtf was that logic? He’s got adhd cause he thinks this shampoo smells good on her? Come on! That jump is Olympic quality.
Then they always meet at her place cause he gets less privacy cause hes broke college student? Hope she dates someone older or with rich parents next.

She said that isn’t normal and I might have tourettes or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts. I’m really glad I made the last post because I was worried about what she said, but then I remembered all the commentators that mentioned also feeling the same way about scents. I told her I posted about our conversation in an anonymous online forum and several people feel the same way I do about smell. I said I think it is normal to feel that way about scents, but maybe it isn’t ubiquitous. She said it isn’t normal, and I might want to talk to a doctor about potentially having hypersexuality.

Between her not liking my living situation and her not liking that I am attracted to her smell (which is probably my fault because I wasn’t doing a good job of explaining things) I realized we just weren’t compatible. I told her I thought maybe we had different needs for a relationship and maybe would be better as friends. She said she was disappointed in me but that she agreed. We hugged it out. I am a little bummed, but we were only dating for four months. Thanks for being my normalcy barometer, since I don’t have one for relationships yet.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Buddy, she wanted you to tank your financial situation for a relationship of four months??? I know you like this woman, but you dodged a bullet. And liking how someone smells is perfectly normal. 🤦🏽‍♀️

OOP: I think she was just communicating. She wants a partner that has their own place. It’s fair for her to let me know that. That doesn’t work for me right now, so we aren’t compatible. That doesn’t make her wrong or a bad girlfriend, just not the right girlfriend for me, and right now I’m not the right boyfriend for her.

Commenter 2: You handled that well and you both made the right call. Thank you for the update.

She said that isn’t normal and I might have Tourette’s or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts

Don’t listen to this.

OOP (downvoted): I think I just did a bad job of explaining myself. I think she was imagining that I’m constantly seeing things that make me think about having sex with her. It’s more that my mind (and I think this is very common) is a stream of thought. I’m constantly thinking about a lot of things. Every once in a while a thought will be sexual, but it isn’t constant, and it doesn’t effect my ability to do regular things. I just had trouble verbalizing that to her.

Commenter 3: You did the right thing. She clearly has issues: “hypersexuality” indeed! You just dodged a long-term bullet. Hopefully your next girlfriend will be saner…

OOP: Well it’s a new semester, so I will have the chance to meet a lot of new people and hopefully click with someone nice!

Commenter 4: Scent is the sense that is directly linked to memory and emotion, much more so than our other senses, so your reaction was perfectly normal. It’s pretty fucked up she’d try to turn a very human response into you having a medical condition, I hope you see that and don’t let it affect your self-worth. You deserve much better!

OOP: Thank you. I was anxious about it, but then I thought of all the people who told me they also feel that way about smell. So I’m not going to dwell on it.

OOP on the financial background involved and if the ex has bought something for him

OOP: I think we just come from different financial backgrounds, and maybe she doesn’t understand my situation is different from hers.

She has bought me things though. She bought me a new pair of shoes, which is more expensive than a grocery run. They’re really nice shoes.

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter regarding the goals in a relationship

OOP: I think that in the future I want to date a woman that likes being thought of as sexy and that wants me to be sexy for her. Not all the time, obviously but sometimes. I think this experience taught me that is something I value in a partner.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I legit thought he was going to apologize on hands and knees with the Snapchat message. What an idiot. Worst part is he probably still doesnt get it.

Wow really feel like more ppl in this situation should read this.

That couples therapy I mentioned didn’t last long, and I feel it was mostly my fault. Once my wife started opening up, it quickly became clear that she herself had no idea why her desire had vanished and she did nothing to find out why. Not an ounce of curiosity. She said that since I didn’t make a big deal of it either (I had refused her offer of weekly duty sex, didn’t initiate again, and that was the end of our sex life) she decided (assumed?) it wasn’t important and moved on. It wasn’t until years later, when some friends of ours divorced over a DB, she realized this was something that could happen to her. After all, that couple were great together and seemingly happy too, until they weren’t.

A part of me appreciated the honesty. I knew it couldn’t have been easy to admit that, knowing it would just feed my resentment. But that’s exactly what happened. Despite my best efforts, I was very irritable during sessions. Our therapist eventually suggested that we should shelve any sex issues indefinitely and focus on restoring trust first. It made sense and I agreed.

But then life happened. Our eldest (then 17F, now 19) was about to start university in another city. She expected a divorce (see post history) and wanted me to move so she could stay with me. I said no because I wanted her to live with her peers. Around that time my wife got an unexpected job offer that would require her to move to that city. I thought she would jump at the opportunity (she is very ambitious, we both are) but she said she was scared that if I stayed back with our youngest (then 13F, now 15) our distance would grow and it would be the end of us. She offered to turn it down if I promised not to divorce her. It shocked me. The woman I knew would never even think of turning down an opportunity like that. How terrified she must have been… Instinctively, I wanted to say yes, to soothe her anxiety at least, but I remembered how myexsparamour warned me about giving false assurances and just letting her be scared. So I said I can’t promise that. She cried horribly. Despite my immense resentment, despite everything, I loved this woman. I desperately wanted to offer something, so I made a promise that I was willing to stick to. I told her that she should move, not just for the new job but also so she can be closer to our eldest. I would stay back with the youngest until she finished school, which would take a little over a year. We would continue therapy remotely and visit on alternating weekends. If she agreed to all that, I promised to shelve any divorce plans.

It wasn’t easy. We rented a flat for her and she moved. None of us were really happy for a while. 19F resented me for not moving and letting her live with me (a whole other can of worms). 15F hated us both for months. But we stuck to the plan. The hardest part for me was removing any sexual expectations from therapy. I had agreed to focus solely on restoring mutual trust, and I didn’t want to inadvertently sabotage things.

A lot of you recommended individual therapy back then, but it just wasn’t possible with our schedules (still isn’t). Even couples therapy took professional sacrifices for both of us. Anyway, the therapist had us start from the beginning. How we met, how we decided we were right for each other, when and how we decided we could trust the other. It brought up a lot of questions I would never have thought to ask myself. Like, if I say I trust my wife to meet me half way, what do I really mean by that? What sort of unstated expectations am I setting up? And if she then falls short of those (again, unstated) expectations, does it affect my opinion of her? Do I trust her less?

These were very uncomfortable for me, and I think she felt the same. Before, I would have said I trusted my wife unconditionally, in the sense that she would always want what’s best for us, just like I believed I did. But now I realize that’s not really compatible with unstated (covert?) expectations. In terms of our sex life, I still believe I was right to reject any duty sex (she disagrees) but I assumed/expected that this would give her time and space to figure things out without pressure. But it didn’t. She thought that if I could so easily reject a very willing offer of weekly sex, then it just wasn’t that important to me, that it was merely a nice to have.

There is some truth to this. Unlike most HLs I’ve seen on DB subreddits, I don’t associate sex with love. Never have, never will. I know my wife doesn’t either. I really want sex, and I could talk all day about the whys and the hows, but it has nothing to do with my love for her. It’s only the bounds of monogamy and societal norms that make her my only allowable outlet. Not very sexy, I know.

Anyway, in her words, my rejection of that offer gave her permission to never think about our sex life, or even her own relationship with sex. She didn’t - couldn’t - know that my trust in her was eroding with every passing month of inaction. The first time she realized I was anything less than happy was when she noticed me pulling away, years after that duty sex offer, and she was suddenly terrified that it was too late.

In therapy, I realized how much of this was my fault. Not our lack of sex life, but the impact of it on our marriage. The covert expectations, the resentment. I apologized profusely. She did the same for her part. She said if she had any inkling of just how much it mattered to me, she would never have let it get this far, but she shouldn’t have just assumed, and that was her mistake. I really appreciated that. It lifted a lot of my resentment. And we shed enough tears to fill buckets :)

So, where are we now? We are still in therapy, though without any urgency. It’s more like a place to have controlled arguments now. The stakes are lower. Our overall intimacy and affection is much better. She is back to her witty and charming self and is very affectionate, especially in public. It’s a joy to be around her again, and I make sure she knows that. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said this was impossible.

There is still no sex. First, it’s logistically difficult. We live in different (but nearby) cities and we only see each other on most weekends and those are usually quite busy. That will come to an end soon-ish, but if I’m honest, that’s an excuse. People who want to have sex do, come what may. A few months ago, we agreed in therapy to lift our ban on all sex talk. We could have sex, in theory. But neither of us initiates or brings it up. If I were to initiate, I believe she would say yes. But I don’t think I could trust that. Part of me believes she would say yes and show as much excitement as she can because it would be proof that I’m not going anywhere, not because she genuinely desires sex with me. Another part of me knows that’s unfair.

On her end, I believe she’s still terrified to initiate. She has no idea how I would react and even if I say yes, any hint of reticence on my face would shatter her confidence and all her fears about divorce would come back.

So we’re in a weird standstill now. We are happier and closer than we’ve been in many years, but the topic that brought us here - sex - is still unresolved and is just hanging over our heads.

There is some change on the horizon though, which could shake things up. The youngest will be done with her school in a few months and we’ll finally be in a position to live together again. That will likely mean selling our house and me moving to her, buying a new house together. The symbolism of that is not lost on me. It’s a big renewal of commitment. I know she wants it. And I want it too! But I question if it’s the right time. Wouldn’t it be better if we made some tangible progress on sex first? I don’t expect miracles - I know we won’t go from years of celibacy to screwing like bunnies in a few months - nor do I expect we’ll ever have a mutually great sex life (covert expectations, remember?). But I feel like some clarity would be welcome at this point. Even if that’s just an acknowledgment that good sex isn’t on our immediate horizon. I love her, and I’m willing to stay the course because we really are doing well these days.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments.

That is not the plot twist I was expecting.

AITA For Pooping After Sex- Life Update: November 15, 2025 (5 months later)

https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Faita-for-pooping-after-sex-life-update-v0-lgwkr09f9f1g1.jpeg%3Fwidth%3D1080%26crop%3Dsmart%26auto%3Dwebp%26s%3Dee861cf269d3ece16f7139009002f05d9ea3e2c5

Hi there everybody!

It’s been close to 5 months since I last posted here, and to be honest I kind of forgot about Reddit after a handful of weeks as I previously had not been a user, alongside figuring out how to move on with life after everything that happened.

I’m not sure how many people still remember my situation, but the gist of it was that my first experience having anal sex inevitably lead to the discovery that my now soon-to-be ex husband was cheating on me with a younger male coworker for over a year. When I logged back into this account I noticed I’d received a handful of private messages reaching out to ask how my daughters and I have been doing since then, so I figured I would post on here to give anybody who still remembers or cares a bit of an update.

Luckily for us, my ex-husband’s application for a lease in an apartment building near his work was approved just 4 days after he sent it in, and with help from a friend of his he was able to move almost everything into his new place by the weekend so my daughters and I could return home. On our first night back I was pretty shaken up seeing how empty the house looked and felt, and even though I hate to admit it I cried myself to sleep that night. I couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to just pick up everything and leave after we spent 17 years building a life together, or how many signs and red flags I must have been completely oblivious to after his affair began. I ended up contacting a family therapist not long after who specializes in family relationships and divorce recovery, and she has helped me tremendously while trying to navigate these past few months.

I also am so incredibly grateful to everyone who commented on my second post or reached out to me directly and advised me to seek an STI panel. I was so mentally exhausted and heartbroken after finding out about everything, I hadn’t even considered that I may be at risk of contracting anything myself. Fortunately, I was able to schedule a next-day appointment at a clinic near me, and the physicians I met were so helpful and sympathetic to everything I was going through. They ran a full screening using everything from blood tests to urine samples, and I was extremely relieved to find out that all of my results came back 100% negative.

My daughters are also doing well adjusting to these new life arrangements. The divorce is still a work in progress but to my ex husband’s credit, he made it very clear from the start to me and to his lawyer that he has no interest in starting a battle over parental rights. He explained that if I wanted to file for primary or full custody he understood, but asked if I’d consider not changing things on paper and allowing him to ask the girls if they would want to see him every other weekend. I agreed that they are both teenagers so it should 100% be their choice to make, and was glad that they agreed to his arrangement. As hurt as I was and still am over the affair, I would never want our daughters to sever the relationship with their dad, especially not on my behalf or for my sake.

Last I heard, my ex and his affair partner are still together, which surprised me, but I know it won’t help me to spend my time wondering and questioning things forever. I don’t think I’ll ever know exactly what changed or when it did. Maybe this was something that caught my ex husband completely by surprise, or maybe there’s some part of himself he’s been suppressing for years— I don’t know when I’ll reach a point where I can truly forgive him, but all the same I hate to think he spent so much of his life pretending to be something he wasn’t. Either way, I hope he finds his happiness now.

The last bit of exciting news I have to share is that a few days ago, we officially adopted a pair of 2 month old kitten siblings! Their mother was a stray that a sweet elderly couple always put food out for, but they had no idea she was pregnant until one day she showed up on their porch with two tiny bundles of fur. At point the couple brought them all inside and decided they wanted to adopt the mother, but soon realized they wouldn’t be able to keep up with taking care of all three of them, so once the kittens were old enough they were brought in to an animal shelter where one of my good friends works as a vet tech. After she told me about them and showed me their picture, I couldn’t get them out of my head and I decided that I wanted to give them a home. The male orange tabby is named Beans, and the female calico is named Mochi. We have only had them a few days now, but they already bring so much joy to me and my daughter’s lives!

Anyways, if you’re still here, I just want to say thank you for reading. I truly appreciate everyone who commented on my original posts or sent me messages- you all helped me so much more than you know. After one of the darkest times in my life, I know now there is light at the end of the tunnel, and a long road ahead still left for me to follow. This is likely going to be the last update that I post, so if you made it this far, just know it means the world to me. Thank you Reddit, for everything.

REMINDER: I am not the original poster. Please do not comment on linked posts.

I could tell he was sort of embarrassed/nervous to answer me, and at first he couldn’t really come up with anything to say other than “I just didn’t realize it would happen like that.” I continued trying to explain everything I read and have continued to read about how common of an occurrence bowel movements are after anal sex until he eventually he blurted out “It’s just not usually like that.”

I was pretty taken aback by that sentence, and the look on his face after he said it told me he realized he shouldn’t have, so I asked him what exactly he meant and reminded him this was supposedly a first time thing for both of us. He immediately backtracked and swore that it was, and he started rambling some admission that he’d been watching a lot of porn and his brain had just formed a specific idea of how anal sex usually went, and it was just a reaction out of embarrassment on his part for not expecting it.

It was so clear he was lying that it actually shocked me to the point of tears. He was all of a sudden so willing to tell me all about this secret habit of watching porn with anal sex, when before he’d apparently felt the need to hide it, and couldn’t even come to me to say he was watching it and wanted to try it in real life. I told him if he didn’t tell me what was really going on I was going back to my sister’s house, and he broke down in tears once again.

Eventually through his fits of sobbing I got out of him that for over a year now, he’s been having an affair with his 26 year old male coworker. Apparently a few months before that coworker started at the company my husband had been questioning whether or not he was bisexual, and after they met and he found out his coworker was gay the two of them hit it off and had a whole thing. So I guess that’s why he was asking about anal sex.

I genuinely think he was trying to use this all as some sort of twisted logic to his reaction seem justified and make sense, but it honestly made me feel a million times worse than if I just found out he was cheating in general. It had nothing to do with the coworker being a man, it was more the thought that my husband couldn’t even enjoy having sex with me as a person on my own, but instead had to make reality as close as it could get and then imagine it was with him instead of with me.

Obviously I was absolutely devastated and told him I was leaving again, and he continued begging me to stay and ask for us to work on fixing things together. I told him the time for that was back when he first started questioning his sexuality, and said I’d of course have supported him and helped him figure out what that meant for him and for our relationship, but at this point I was having no part of it.

Eventually his tears turned to anger once more and he accused me of being biphobic. I think he realized immediately once he said it that he’d fucked up- my sister is literally bisexual and married to a woman- but he didn’t say anything to contradict himself after that. I ignored him and gathered some basic essentials before leaving and heading back to my sister’s house a complete wreck.

As things stand now I am of course planning for divorce, but that is obviously a long process and is going to take awhile. I have contacted a lawyer already and have been making sure to take precautions so I’m not just left in the dust when everything settles. Otherwise, I guess I’m not in quite as much shock right now but when I think about it for too long my brain starts to unravel a bit. I wanted to say thank you again to everyone who commented and left me advice on my initial post- I deeply appreciate all of you for your support and understanding. Without it, I don’t think I’d have gotten to a place where I questioned anything that happened, and I would still be in a relationship with a man who clearly does not care enough about me to be honest. If anything crazy happens in the future I will be sure to update you all again, but for now, this is the end to this insane story of needing to poop after sex.

EDIT

A quick edit because someone messaged me to ask about this and I realized I left it out of the story- our daughters are both doing okay and right now are staying with me at my sister’s house. They’re both teenagers so telling them wasn’t quite as hard as I imagine it is telling young children. I of course didn’t go into any details and I tried not to explicitly paint my husband in any negative light, as he is still their father and I don’t want what happened between him and I interfering with their relationship to him. That said, my oldest figured out pretty quickly that cheating was involved and asked me about it privately later. I again gave no details, but I did confirm her suspicions. I feel that if she is old enough to ask about it happening, she’s old enough for me to respect her by being as truthful as I can with her.

Comments from OOP

Replying to a comment asking if they have any kids:

I mentioned them very briefly in the first post but realized I left them out of this one entirely so I added an edit to mention them as well, we have two teenage daughters but one is 17 and the other is 14 so I’m hoping it won’t be a huge thing with custody since they’re both old enough to have a say in court. My eldest will be 18 in just a few months so I’m not sure how custody works or if it’s in effect at all once you’re legally an adult

Replying to a comment asking about the legal rights of their house:

Luckily the house is in my name entirely, it was inherited by my sister and I from our late grandmother but my sister and her wife had purchased their home not too long before that happened so she wanted us to have it since it was too large for just the two of them and I was pregnant at the time.

My ex and I haven’t had much contact other than a few minor conversations on the phone, but he said he’s already been talking to someone who owns an apartment complex near his work so I’m hoping within a few weeks the girls and I will be back home. I let him stay mostly because I didn’t want to stay there after everything that had occurred, plus my sister lives close by and had enough extra space.

Seriously mom needs the evaluation.

–New updates– Update: My wife isn’t coming home. - December 30, 2025 https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

Link to the original post above. I made other posts. They’re on my profile. Someone compiled them all on a different subreddit. Listen, I just need to vent.

My wife is on vacation with my sister after a mini mental breakdown. She just WhatsApped me that she isn’t coming back. She said she needs to make some changes, and the New Year is the perfect time. She told me that a start-up working on a cause she is passionate about is looking for someone in her field. She’s taking the job and moving to the opposite coast.

Shock doesn’t feel like the right word. It doesn’t feel big enough. She wanted to stress that she isn’t leaving me, that she just needs to pursue her passion. She said if this startup takes off we call all move to where she is going and resettle and get a fresh start. She also said that this new job is closer to the clinic our son’s pediatrician recommended for his allergy treatment.

I started to argue with her, but then I deleted the message. We’re doing okay without her, as awful as that sounds. Maybe she needs this. I looked into this startup. I don’t think it will take off. But maybe she just needs a break from us to recenter herself. So I told her I love her, that I believe in her and that I’m proud of her for following her dreams. What else could I say?

My sister is pissed at her for abandoning us, and this has pretty much ruined their trip. I think I should feel bad about that, but I’m too burnt out. 2026. It’s going to be a year.

Update: What happened while my wife was overseas. - January 4, 2025

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

That was the original post. We’re well past that. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce. In my last update I told people that my wife wasn’t coming home, but I still think I can fix things if I give her space. I no longer believe that. Several of you (most of you not very nicely) told me she had abandoned our family. I didn’t want to believe it, but you are right. I picked my sister up from the airport this morning, and we had a long conversation where she filled in details.

When my wife, her sister, my sister and her wife got to the resort everything was fine at first. It didn’t take long for my wife’s sister to show her ass though. She called my sister a (slur that rhymes with bike) (other slur that rhymes with bike). She called my sister’s wife a (stick with p instead of t) (that second bike slur). So that caused a huge fight. My wife cursed out her sister (rightfully!) and moved into the room my sister was sharing with her wife to get away from her sister.

My wife told my sister more about the situation with the kids. She said she feels like she failed our oldest and he is completely beyond help. She said he is so disrespectful and obnoxious and she doesn’t understand how she let it get to this point. Our son, by the way, made his little siblings breakfast and played monopoly with them while I was up crazy early picking my sister and her wife up from the airport. Evil child, clearly. My sister told my wife our oldest is just a teenager and that she is attaching significance to really insignificant things. My sister said teenagers are all annoying, but it isn’t the end of the world. My wife said her dad wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior. My sister pointed out that her dad raised her sister, who goes around calling people slurs. My wife said that was her husband’s influence, which, whatever.

My wife also said she thinks our daughter is stupid. My sister was shocked to hear that. Our daughter’s academic performance at school is average. Most kids are average. That’s what average means. She isn’t stupid. She’s normal.

My wife talked about a startup in California an old classmate of hers is going to work for. They do work she really believes in. She said she wanted to move to California to work for them and also so our youngest will be closer to a particular allergy clinic. My sister tried to tell her that is all crazy, but that didn’t work, since my wife is currently on her way to California. Or maybe she already landed. I’m not sure. My sister is angry with my wife and doesn’t ever want to talk to her again. They have always been close friends, so that really brought home to me how insane her behavior is. My sister thinks she is lying about having the job too. She thinks my wife is planning to apply in California and that no job offer has been made yet. I wouldn’t believe that if not for her previous lie about her current job.

To protect myself I opened a new bank account and switched my direct deposit. I also prepaid a lot of things that get paid from the joint account so she can’t drain it and leave us in a bad spot. I opened a new account specifically for the mortgage, transferred six payments into it and put that on autopay. I won’t use it for anything else. I bought a bunch of gift cards from the grocery store we use as well, so if she does drain the account we’ll be able to buy food. I prepaid the daycare and school fees and activity fees for the kids as far as possible. I paid off and closed our joint cards. She still has her personal cards, and I still have mine. This is going to be messy as hell, and I am not looking forward to it.

The worst thing is that the kids are sad their mom isn’t coming home. Of course I didn’t tell them what she said about them. Our oldest thinks she went to California to hang out with other cool people because we aren’t cool enough for her. I told him that isn’t true, but he doesn’t believe me. I’m just devastated by all this. The person I’m supposed to be able to rely on abandoned me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

Update: My wife finally apologized, but I already lost some of my respect for her.-December 16, 2025

I’m still getting notifications asking questions about certain things, so here’s an update to clear everything up.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1pg8ss5/aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/

Initial update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1phfg45/update_aitah_for_telling_my_wife_that_i_will_lose/?sort=top

TL;DR: Our 13yo corrected my wife when she got a math problem wrong. My wife screamed at him to shut up. I asked her to apologize, and she didn’t talk to either of us for three days. At that point I demanded she talk to me, and we had a fight where she blamed our 13yo for everything. She took our four year old and went to stay at a hotel last Sunday night.

I retrieved our four year old at his doctor’s appointment the next day. She stayed at the hotel alone Monday & Tuesday night. Wednesday she told me she quit her job. She did not quit her job. A concerned coworker of hers reached out and revealed the truth. She was suspended for yelling at a coworker to shut up.

She picked the kids up from school + daycare Wednesday. After they were asleep I confronted her. We fought, and she went to stay with my sister. With my sister’s influence, she called her boss and managed to work out a compromise where she won’t be fired and can have some mental health leave. She didn’t see the kids all weekend, even when my sister picked them up Sunday to take them to a party. She is back home now. So here’s where the update starts.

Update: I had our 13yo evaluated by a child psychologist like so many redditors suggested. If you learn anything from my experience, learn not to take medical advice from reddit. Our son is not autistic and does not have ADD. The psychologist said the only thing he comes close to meeting the diagnostic criteria for is anxiety, but based on their discussion and the paperwork I filled out, she’s confident those symptoms come from external stressors, not an anxiety disorder. My wife came home after work, and when our son arrived home from his friend’s house, she did apologize to him. He forgave her, and they hugged it out, but it was an awkward interaction. Afterwards he want outside to play with his new harmonica.

My daughter doesn’t have a learning disability. I talked to her teacher. Her math skills are average for her age group according to the teacher. The teacher suggested that if she is struggling to do the math work at home it is because she feels pressured. I ended up telling her that she can do the work in whatever timeframe she wants, and she can have her brother check it for her, so neither her mother nor I will know if she made a mistake. She seems happy with this new arrangement. I think my wife and I were too critical in our eagerness to encourage her to work hard and do well, and I accept culpability for that.

Our four year old is allergic to soy. Since I stopped feeding him anything with soy in it he hasn’t vomited once. He will soon be reintroduced to soy in very small doses to acclimate him. He is doing much better, and this has relieved a huge source of stress.

As for my wife, as I said, she apologized to our son. She said talking to my sister helped a lot. She told me the reason she has been so overwhelmed and she lashed out was the realization that we aren’t going to have another kid and the three we have are it. She said she is worried that our kids are spoiled and soft. She said she wants our kids to bypass their peers, and she doesn’t see that happening right now because they are too undisciplined and unmotivated. She said sone of her dad’s parenting might be what they need.

I told her I would never be okay with that, and that would be a deal breaker for me. I also told her I don’t see how anxiety about the kids caused her to lash out at work. I said that I think she is frustrated by the fact that she can’t control people. She said that’s unfair, and I apologized but also said I think that an issue similar to what I said is the likely culprit. We agreed to a compromise where she tries to relax until she leaves for her trip with my sister. If she feels she is getting stressed out, she will leave for as long as needed. We will talk about parenting strategies again after she gets back.

I have hired a lawyer and didn’t tell her. If she again tries to insist that we go full authoritarian on the kids I will raise the possibility of divorce. I love my wife, but I owe it to my kids to put them first.