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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Throwra-yuqser on 2026-01-12 02:33:37+00:00.
How to approach therapy constructively when we are in very different places? + Updates
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Appropriate_Box6783 in r/DeadBedroomsOver30
Original Posted Tuesday, November 14th, 2023
Update Posted Saturday, December 23rd, 2023
Final Update Posted Monday, April 28th, 2025
TL;DR: Late 30s/early 40s couple with a long-dead bedroom enters therapy after years of resentment. Therapy improves emotional intimacy but sex remains unresolved 1.5 years later.
Original Post: How to approach therapy constructively when we are in very different places?
I’m facing a dilemma and don’t find the main sub very constructive, so hopefully this is a better fit here.
Quick background: Late 30s/early 40s HLM/LLF couple, two kids 17F and 13F. Bedroom started dying about 6 years ago. Back then, I was solution oriented so we talked about it. She said the desire was completely gone, that she was OK with it, and had no interest in changing it or finding out why. Still, she offered (and continued to, over the years) to have sex once a week “to keep me happy”. I have no interest in duty sex, so I passed. Which is why we haven’t had sex in 5 years. Chores have always been shared 50/50, and childcare 65/35. We both have demanding careers, but I have more flexibility so I did (and still do) more with the kids.
The way she tells it, we are happily married and if I could just get help for “my sex problem” everything would be perfect. She thinks sex is for teenagers and twentysomethings and “we are past that”. Obviously, I disagree with that assessment and have slowly started checking out now that the kids are older and can handle a potential divorce. I think 17F is catching on. If she wasn’t OK with it she’d definitely say something, which I find encouraging.
Anyway, my wife has noticed my increasing disinterest. I spend more time away from home with hobbies, friends, kids. Date nights are rare, and affection and intimacy are dwindling. Recently, she sat me down for a talk. It’s weird being on the receiving end of one of these. She said that she thinks our marriage is in trouble, and she’s scared she’s going to lose me. She wants us to see a therapist who was well recommended by her friends.
I really had to bite my tongue when she said this. Years ago, I spent months begging her to go to therapy with me. She told me she didn’t need a stranger to tell her to have sex and turned it down. My agony meant nothing to her. Now that she is the one who is scared, I’m expected to step up and do this with her.
I said yes, mostly to give us one last chance. She relaxed immediately, which I think is a red flag. I think she thinks that the therapist will just tell me to stop wanting sex and we’ll be happy again.
As you can tell, I’m full of resentment and an urge to respond with snark. I don’t want that. At a minimum, I want our potential separation to be amicable. So how do I approach this constructively? What should/shouldn’t I say in therapy?
Thanks in advance!
Update Post 1: Therapy is one step forward, two steps back. More confused than ever
See post history for background, but TL;DR is: Late 30s/early 40s HLM/LLF couple, two kids 17F and 13F. Wife noticed I had one foot out the door, pushed for therapy.
Since that post, we’ve had two appointments. I like the therapist, despite my initial reservations. First session was mostly a rethread of our whole relationship. The second round was more useful as we talked about where things went wrong. This was the first pain point. I asked my wife to go first because I didn’t think she could manage after hearing my side. I was right. She said the problems started a couple of months ago, that I stopped paying attention to her and spent time away from home whenever I could. She was worried about the “sudden” change because some friends’ husbands left those women quickly, under similar circumstances.
None of that’s wrong, of course, and I acknowledged it. Then came my turn, and I said it started 6 years and has been getting worse ever since. I brought up the number of times we’ve discussed the lack of sex and how my unhappiness was very clear to her. This was never “The Talk”, by the way, just gentle probing to see where she’s at, and how I felt about the situation. There were no demands or coercion of any kind. She would always make some verbal gesture that was seemingly forgotten as soon as the conversation was over. I relayed all of this to therapist. I talked about the slow deterioration of our non-sexual intimacy over the years. How I felt that all the effort to improve things was one-sided.
I then went against some of the advice I was given here the last time. I mentioned how I’ve begged her for therapy for months and she was rude, arrogant and dismissive about it, but now that she is the distressed one I’m supposed to show up and work on our marriage. I said I have a lot of resentment over this, and I wasn’t sure if I had the ability or willingness to get over it.
This is where my wife started bawling her eyes out. She apologized for dismissing me all these years, that she never realized how badly it affected me. I’m willing to buy that, to an extent, as I never accepted duty sex and never initiated myself after she told me she had no desire or interest. She said she is terrified that this is all too late, that I’m going to leave her, that I’m only attending therapy to humour her.
That’s not entirely wrong I suppose, but of course I didn’t say that out loud. Once the crying started it was impossible to continue a three-way conversation, so we left it there. Our homework for the next session is to separately make a few lists: Things we like and dislike about our relationship, things we want in the future both individually and as a couple, and things we hope to achieve in therapy. All good stuff, and I’m already working on mine though any advice on that is appreciated.
Since then, my wife has been more affectionate and I let her know I appreciate it. Against all odds, she even tried to initiate sex! I said try because I was shocked when she brought it up and couldn’t immediately respond, which made her visibly anxious. I asked if she wanted to have sex or was this for my benefit? She just started crying and left the room. I do want to talk about this with her, but I need a game plan.
The second pain point came from my eldest daughter, 17F. I mentioned in my last post that I thought she was catching on to what was going on. Well, I was right. She wanted to have a talk a few days ago. She said she could tell that her mum and I were growing apart, and that I looked ready to leave. Apparently, she’s OK with that and thinks 13F will “get over it” (her words) as well. More importantly though, she’s starting university next year in a nearby big city and if we divorce, she wants me to consider living over there so she could stay with me instead of paying for a shared flat or student housing.
I thanked her for sharing her concerns and asked for some time. I’m going to reject her request as I believe it’s better to live your uni years among peers, not with family. That aside, I feel terrible. I didn’t think our distance was that visible to the kids and it breaks my heart to see just how OK she’s with it. Could that be a facade? Because this is quite mercenary of her - doing what she asks would leave her with a lot more spending money. So maybe she is sad about mum and dad, but thinks at least this way she’ll get something out of it?
I know this isn’t parenting advice, but now I feel like this has to be part of my calculus. I want to give therapy a chance for all our sakes, but I’m also full of resentment and don’t want to give anyone false hope, especially to our children.
The next session will be in the first week of January. My wife wants us to sit down and have a check in before then. Given the above issues, how should I approach this talk? Anything I should mention or avoid bringing up? I want her to feel safe and comfortable, but without promising anything I can’t necessarily deliver.
Thanks in advance!
Final Update Post: Update after 1.5 years
See my previous posts for background, but the short version is that my wife and I started therapy at the end of 2023 after I started checking out. A lot has happened since then, and I’ve recently remembered this account, so here’s an update. I really appreciated the comments last time, so more advice would be welcome.
This will be a stream of consciousness wall of text. I apologize in advance if any of it sounds incoherent, happy to clarify things if needed. Alright, here we go.
That couples therapy I mentioned didn’t last long, and I feel it was mostly my fault. Once my wife started opening up, it quickly became clear that she herself had no idea why her desire had vanished and she did nothing to find out why. Not an ounce …
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1qaiw0w/husband_in_a_dead_bedroom_manages_to_change_power/
Wow really feel like more ppl in this situation should read this.
That couples therapy I mentioned didn’t last long, and I feel it was mostly my fault. Once my wife started opening up, it quickly became clear that she herself had no idea why her desire had vanished and she did nothing to find out why. Not an ounce of curiosity. She said that since I didn’t make a big deal of it either (I had refused her offer of weekly duty sex, didn’t initiate again, and that was the end of our sex life) she decided (assumed?) it wasn’t important and moved on. It wasn’t until years later, when some friends of ours divorced over a DB, she realized this was something that could happen to her. After all, that couple were great together and seemingly happy too, until they weren’t.
A part of me appreciated the honesty. I knew it couldn’t have been easy to admit that, knowing it would just feed my resentment. But that’s exactly what happened. Despite my best efforts, I was very irritable during sessions. Our therapist eventually suggested that we should shelve any sex issues indefinitely and focus on restoring trust first. It made sense and I agreed.
But then life happened. Our eldest (then 17F, now 19) was about to start university in another city. She expected a divorce (see post history) and wanted me to move so she could stay with me. I said no because I wanted her to live with her peers. Around that time my wife got an unexpected job offer that would require her to move to that city. I thought she would jump at the opportunity (she is very ambitious, we both are) but she said she was scared that if I stayed back with our youngest (then 13F, now 15) our distance would grow and it would be the end of us. She offered to turn it down if I promised not to divorce her. It shocked me. The woman I knew would never even think of turning down an opportunity like that. How terrified she must have been… Instinctively, I wanted to say yes, to soothe her anxiety at least, but I remembered how myexsparamour warned me about giving false assurances and just letting her be scared. So I said I can’t promise that. She cried horribly. Despite my immense resentment, despite everything, I loved this woman. I desperately wanted to offer something, so I made a promise that I was willing to stick to. I told her that she should move, not just for the new job but also so she can be closer to our eldest. I would stay back with the youngest until she finished school, which would take a little over a year. We would continue therapy remotely and visit on alternating weekends. If she agreed to all that, I promised to shelve any divorce plans.
It wasn’t easy. We rented a flat for her and she moved. None of us were really happy for a while. 19F resented me for not moving and letting her live with me (a whole other can of worms). 15F hated us both for months. But we stuck to the plan. The hardest part for me was removing any sexual expectations from therapy. I had agreed to focus solely on restoring mutual trust, and I didn’t want to inadvertently sabotage things.
A lot of you recommended individual therapy back then, but it just wasn’t possible with our schedules (still isn’t). Even couples therapy took professional sacrifices for both of us. Anyway, the therapist had us start from the beginning. How we met, how we decided we were right for each other, when and how we decided we could trust the other. It brought up a lot of questions I would never have thought to ask myself. Like, if I say I trust my wife to meet me half way, what do I really mean by that? What sort of unstated expectations am I setting up? And if she then falls short of those (again, unstated) expectations, does it affect my opinion of her? Do I trust her less?
These were very uncomfortable for me, and I think she felt the same. Before, I would have said I trusted my wife unconditionally, in the sense that she would always want what’s best for us, just like I believed I did. But now I realize that’s not really compatible with unstated (covert?) expectations. In terms of our sex life, I still believe I was right to reject any duty sex (she disagrees) but I assumed/expected that this would give her time and space to figure things out without pressure. But it didn’t. She thought that if I could so easily reject a very willing offer of weekly sex, then it just wasn’t that important to me, that it was merely a nice to have.
There is some truth to this. Unlike most HLs I’ve seen on DB subreddits, I don’t associate sex with love. Never have, never will. I know my wife doesn’t either. I really want sex, and I could talk all day about the whys and the hows, but it has nothing to do with my love for her. It’s only the bounds of monogamy and societal norms that make her my only allowable outlet. Not very sexy, I know.
Anyway, in her words, my rejection of that offer gave her permission to never think about our sex life, or even her own relationship with sex. She didn’t - couldn’t - know that my trust in her was eroding with every passing month of inaction. The first time she realized I was anything less than happy was when she noticed me pulling away, years after that duty sex offer, and she was suddenly terrified that it was too late.
In therapy, I realized how much of this was my fault. Not our lack of sex life, but the impact of it on our marriage. The covert expectations, the resentment. I apologized profusely. She did the same for her part. She said if she had any inkling of just how much it mattered to me, she would never have let it get this far, but she shouldn’t have just assumed, and that was her mistake. I really appreciated that. It lifted a lot of my resentment. And we shed enough tears to fill buckets :)
So, where are we now? We are still in therapy, though without any urgency. It’s more like a place to have controlled arguments now. The stakes are lower. Our overall intimacy and affection is much better. She is back to her witty and charming self and is very affectionate, especially in public. It’s a joy to be around her again, and I make sure she knows that. If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said this was impossible.
There is still no sex. First, it’s logistically difficult. We live in different (but nearby) cities and we only see each other on most weekends and those are usually quite busy. That will come to an end soon-ish, but if I’m honest, that’s an excuse. People who want to have sex do, come what may. A few months ago, we agreed in therapy to lift our ban on all sex talk. We could have sex, in theory. But neither of us initiates or brings it up. If I were to initiate, I believe she would say yes. But I don’t think I could trust that. Part of me believes she would say yes and show as much excitement as she can because it would be proof that I’m not going anywhere, not because she genuinely desires sex with me. Another part of me knows that’s unfair.
On her end, I believe she’s still terrified to initiate. She has no idea how I would react and even if I say yes, any hint of reticence on my face would shatter her confidence and all her fears about divorce would come back.
So we’re in a weird standstill now. We are happier and closer than we’ve been in many years, but the topic that brought us here - sex - is still unresolved and is just hanging over our heads.
There is some change on the horizon though, which could shake things up. The youngest will be done with her school in a few months and we’ll finally be in a position to live together again. That will likely mean selling our house and me moving to her, buying a new house together. The symbolism of that is not lost on me. It’s a big renewal of commitment. I know she wants it. And I want it too! But I question if it’s the right time. Wouldn’t it be better if we made some tangible progress on sex first? I don’t expect miracles - I know we won’t go from years of celibacy to screwing like bunnies in a few months - nor do I expect we’ll ever have a mutually great sex life (covert expectations, remember?). But I feel like some clarity would be welcome at this point. Even if that’s just an acknowledgment that good sex isn’t on our immediate horizon. I love her, and I’m willing to stay the course because we really are doing well these days.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments.
