This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-01-12 05:00:05+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Spiritual-Grocery641
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITAH for buying my girlfriend vanilla shampoo?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Original Post: January 4, 2026
My girlfriend uses a few different types of shampoo and alternates between them. One of them, a vanilla scented one, is my favorite. She asked me to pick up some things for her at the store, and on my way to check out I saw the vanilla shampoo and grabbed that too. When I got back to her apartment, she started putting away the things I bought. She was confused by the shampoo and asked me why I got it.
I said that I saw it and know she uses that kind and grabbed it for her. She said she wasn’t running low on shampoo. I said I know, but it doesn’t expire and that one is my favorite. I teasingly said that she should use it if she’s planning to wash her hair tonight. She asked what I meant by it being my “favorite.” I said I like the way it makes her hair smell, like cookies.
She looked a little weirded out. I asked her if she was okay. She said it was weird that I sexualized her shampoo. I said smelling nice is sexy. I asked if she thinks I’m sexier when I used nice smelling soaps and deodorants. She said not really, as long as I don’t actively smell bad. I said maybe it’s different for everyone.
She said honestly it bothered her that something as mundane as shampoo was sexual to me. She asked me if someone else smelled like vanilla would I be attracted to them? I said no, that she was misunderstanding me. She asked me to clarify, but I don’t think I did a good job. I said I specifically like the smell on her, not other people. She still seemed put out, so I headed home to give her space.
Was I an asshole for buying the shampoo and telling her I like when she uses it? To me that’s not weird, but maybe that’s because I’m a guy. Is there a layer to this I’m not seeing?
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: I would’ve thought it was sexy and cute. You’re not the AH at all.
The most romantic thing my husband did for me was buy me a personal pizza with olives on it because I told him I like it but hadn’t ordered one in years because I just eat what everyone else likes and they don’t like olives. We were talking about something else and I just casually mentioned it as an aside. Three weeks later I came home and it was sitting on our kitchen island with a heart drawn on the box.
It wasn’t the pizza. It was confirmation that he was listening to me and not just paying attention to his phone.
Being attentive is important.
OOP: I thought I was being sexy and cute too! She’s my first real relationship, so I acknowledge that I’m inexperienced here, but I thought it was a very innocent way to flirt. It’s not like I bought her underwear.
Commenter 2: NTA. What on earth? You did something nice. She should have said thank you. My husband comments if he likes my perfume. She presumably buys the vanilla scented shampoo because she also likes the smell. Making it out like you’re some weird freak for also liking the smell is wild. It’s like she was looking for something to fight about.
OOP: Yeah, I don’t get it. Liking certain smells is normal, right? Isn’t that the point of scented things? And perfume? It’s not a creepy thing to like.
Commenter 3: Does she often pick fights and criticize you like this? You did nothing wrong. Yes smelling good is sexy. I’ve had women ask me what laundry detergent I used because they loved the way my clothes smelled and wanted to be reminded of me. Your gf is being weird
OOP: We fight sometimes, but not often. This is the first fight that felt completely out of left field. Usually I see where she is coming from, but this time I am so confused.
Commenter 4: NTA. She’s definitely off. You love the smell of vanilla, especially on her. This isn’t odd. It doesn’t mean you want to bang the first woman you see wearing vanilla, either. Jesus. We are human. We each gravitate to particular scents. We have likes and dislikes. What’s wrong with her?!! You didn’t mention your age, hoping you’re teenagers ?
OOP: I’m 19, and she’s 20.
Downvoted Commenter: I feel like you’re definitely leaving something out here?? How long have you been together, is this the first time you told her you like a scent when it comes to her?? She clearly has some sort of trauma that probably needs to be worked through with you not judgement because she didn’t respond properly to something out of the blue
OOP: We started dating exclusively four months ago. No, I’ve told her she smells nice before. The last time we were intimate I said she smelled great, and she responded very positively to that. I didn’t specifically say that it was her hair that smelled nice, so maybe she didn’t realize that’s what I was referring to.
Commenter 5: Did she grow up conservative or really sheltered?
OOP: No, her parents are very progressive. They are supportive of her bisexuality. We met once and they’re very cool.
Commenter 6: I don’t think you’re going to have a long relationship with this one she’s trying to find trouble. Give her lots of space and never buy anything for her ever again so she can complain about that. Maybe ask her does she wear perfume and why? If she’s worried about this why doesn’t she use unscented products? I dump her she sounds like a weirdo. She will be the one to put charges against you for any minor thing.
OOP: She doesn’t use perfume, but she uses scented products and they all smell great. To me the scented soap smell is better than perfume, more subtle, more… I’m not sure which word to use. It’s nicer. I’ve always liked that about her. I didn’t think it was weird.
Update: January 5, 2026 (next day)
So yesterday my girlfriend didn’t like it that I took it upon myself to buy her vanilla shampoo when I was picking some things up for her at the store. We met up at her apartment again this morning for breakfast and I asked if we could talk about our boundaries and expectations, because I never want to make her feel uncomfortable. She agreed that we should talk. She said that when she visited her family over winter break she had time to think about our relationship and talk to her parents and sister about me. She said that space and perspective made her realize some things.
The first thing she realized is that she isn’t happy that we always meet at her apartment. I said I completely understand that and she is welcome to come hang out at mine. When we first started dating she didn’t want to visit my apartment often because of my four roommates, but things change and I get that. She still doesn’t want to hang out at my apartment because of my four roommates though. She said that my living situation is too crowded and it bothers her. I asked if she wanted me to move, and she said she would like it if I made a commitment to finding a new living situation by the next semester.
Since the next semester is a long way off this isn’t unreasonable, but I was hesitant. I really like my living situation. My friends and I help each other out a lot. I don’t necessarily want to live alone, and it is expensive. She can afford to live alone, but I don’t necessarily think I could. I explained that I didn’t think I could afford it. She suggested I ask my parents for money, which isn’t an option. She also pointed out that I have a part-time job, but that doesn’t make me enough money to pay for my own apartment.
I asked if me spending too much time at her apartment is the only issue, because I felt like there was more to the shampoo thing. She said yes, that she didn’t like that. She said she didn’t like the idea that I’m constantly thinking about having sex with her, and that it made her feel disrespected. I said I’m not constantly thinking about having sex with her. I told her it’s more that I really like her, and sometimes she does things and I think they are sexy, but that doesn’t mean I necessarily want to have sex at that moment. It’s just my internal monologue going “that was sexy.”
That wasn’t the right way to explain it. She didn’t seem to understand where I was coming from. She asked me what was going through my head when I was at the store and if I was thinking about having sex with her. I said I was thinking about the store, the items I needed to buy, inflation, etc, and then I saw the shampoo and I thought about how she uses it and it makes her hair smell amazing, and I bought it. She asked if I specifically thought about the way her hair smelled the last time we had sex, and I said yes, but it wasn’t like I had a full sex fantasy in the store. It was a momentary thought.
She said that isn’t normal and I might have tourettes or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts. I’m really glad I made the last post because I was worried about what she said, but then I remembered all the commentators that mentioned also feeling the same way about scents. I told her I posted ab…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1qalyb7/aitah_for_buying_my_girlfriend_vanilla_shampoo/
She said that isn’t normal and I might have tourettes or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts. I’m really glad I made the last post because I was worried about what she said, but then I remembered all the commentators that mentioned also feeling the same way about scents. I told her I posted about our conversation in an anonymous online forum and several people feel the same way I do about smell. I said I think it is normal to feel that way about scents, but maybe it isn’t ubiquitous. She said it isn’t normal, and I might want to talk to a doctor about potentially having hypersexuality.
Between her not liking my living situation and her not liking that I am attracted to her smell (which is probably my fault because I wasn’t doing a good job of explaining things) I realized we just weren’t compatible. I told her I thought maybe we had different needs for a relationship and maybe would be better as friends. She said she was disappointed in me but that she agreed. We hugged it out. I am a little bummed, but we were only dating for four months. Thanks for being my normalcy barometer, since I don’t have one for relationships yet.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Buddy, she wanted you to tank your financial situation for a relationship of four months??? I know you like this woman, but you dodged a bullet. And liking how someone smells is perfectly normal. 🤦🏽♀️
OOP: I think she was just communicating. She wants a partner that has their own place. It’s fair for her to let me know that. That doesn’t work for me right now, so we aren’t compatible. That doesn’t make her wrong or a bad girlfriend, just not the right girlfriend for me, and right now I’m not the right boyfriend for her.
Commenter 2: You handled that well and you both made the right call. Thank you for the update.
She said that isn’t normal and I might have Tourette’s or ADHD or OCD or some other condition that causes intrusive thoughts
Don’t listen to this.
OOP (downvoted): I think I just did a bad job of explaining myself. I think she was imagining that I’m constantly seeing things that make me think about having sex with her. It’s more that my mind (and I think this is very common) is a stream of thought. I’m constantly thinking about a lot of things. Every once in a while a thought will be sexual, but it isn’t constant, and it doesn’t effect my ability to do regular things. I just had trouble verbalizing that to her.
Commenter 3: You did the right thing. She clearly has issues: “hypersexuality” indeed! You just dodged a long-term bullet. Hopefully your next girlfriend will be saner…
OOP: Well it’s a new semester, so I will have the chance to meet a lot of new people and hopefully click with someone nice!
Commenter 4: Scent is the sense that is directly linked to memory and emotion, much more so than our other senses, so your reaction was perfectly normal. It’s pretty fucked up she’d try to turn a very human response into you having a medical condition, I hope you see that and don’t let it affect your self-worth. You deserve much better!
OOP: Thank you. I was anxious about it, but then I thought of all the people who told me they also feel that way about smell. So I’m not going to dwell on it.
OOP on the financial background involved and if the ex has bought something for him
OOP: I think we just come from different financial backgrounds, and maybe she doesn’t understand my situation is different from hers.
She has bought me things though. She bought me a new pair of shoes, which is more expensive than a grocery run. They’re really nice shoes.
OOP responds to a downvoted commenter regarding the goals in a relationship
OOP: I think that in the future I want to date a woman that likes being thought of as sexy and that wants me to be sexy for her. Not all the time, obviously but sometimes. I think this experience taught me that is something I value in a partner.
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
Talk about unessessary escalation.
Yeah I can see how maybe its too early to get rando items and she may not like that. I dont like gifts even from my SO they always make me
feel off. But wtf was that logic? He’s got adhd cause he thinks this shampoo smells good on her? Come on! That jump is Olympic quality.
Then they always meet at her place cause he gets less privacy cause hes broke college student? Hope she dates someone older or with rich parents next.
