**I am not the OOP** **OOP is: u/Strong-Succotash-592** **Posted in: r/AITAH** **Trigger Warning:** >!Physical/Verbal Abuse, Infidelity, Baby...
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Automatic-Offer4351 on 2026-01-12 07:32:51+00:00.

I am not the OOP

OOP is: u/Strong-Succotash-592

Posted in: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: Physical/Verbal Abuse, Infidelity, Baby trapping

Mood Spoiler: Dark

2 updates - Long

Original

AITAH for not wanting to help my sister with her abusive relationship this time - September 3, 2025

Sorry for the repost, realized I left some context out of my first post, and it’s wasn’t letting me edit it and I accidentally deleted it. Mods, take down this post if you must. I recieved. a phone call from my cousin and am emotional and wanted to add more detail but fucked up the edit.

So I am 28 and my sister 26. We were both raised in America, but our parents are immigrants, and when left the country 9 years ago after my sister graduated HS to retire in our home country.

My sister has has a bf, who I will call Jared. Jared was very abusive to her, and used to beat her, etc. My sister did not want to leave him(she was 19 at the time), and it was tough but I got her out of there, and we filed a restraining order against him. She was 21 when it happened. I do not think she is a stable person, and never thought so even growing up, and she is not a good relationship partner(not that she deserved Jared at that point in time). I genuinely think my parents gave her the princess treatment and spoiled her. She expects every partner to put her on a pedestal and she can do no wrong.

Anyway, when she was 22, she wanted to date my best friend, Mark. I told her to leave him alone, and told Mark he could do better, to be perfectly honest. But she pestered him and me, and Mark, said since I am his homie, my sister cannot be that bad and I may be biased. Warned the dude, but Mark and my sister got together, and were in a relationship for 18 months. She cheated on Mark and went back to Jared. Her excuse for cheating attacked some physical insecurities Mark had.

I was very disappointed, and told her that if she went to the guy that beat her, I would never help her again, cuz getting her outta that situation was hell. And she cheated on a perfectly good guy and broke him in the process. I told her she can break up with Mark, whatever, I think it was a mistake and she did it in a terrible way, but she cannot have a relationship with me if she wants to be with a dude that literally abused her. She chose Jared, cuz “he changed”. I cut her off entirely.

Mark is a homie, and he turned to alcoholism, but therapy got him out of it. It’s been 2 years, Mark still struggles with insecurity. He has never once held it against me thought, and encouraged me to not let go of a family bond for his sake, but I made the choice. I see the dude, my homie who took care of my dad when I wasn’t there by his side for a surgery recovery, a man I consider a brother, struggle to this day because of her.

He has not been on a single date cuz of the way she attacked his insecurities and cheated on him. It make’s me seethe when I think about the way she treated him. Worst part is he did everything right. Remember all the anniversaries, gifts, cooked for her and paid the bills, while she did nothing. Planned a family with her. She threw it all away like dropping a glass vase and left him shattered. I am forever grateful he didn’t judge me for her actions, cuz if a woman treated me that way, I don’t know if I could ever look anyone related to her in the eye again.

Anyway, around last week, lo and behold, Jared was being abusive to her, and my parents called me and begged me to help her. She has nowhere to go, and she should crash at my house. I said no, hung up, and haven’t picked up my parents phone call either. Today, my sister showed up at my fucking workplace. She had a black eye, bruises everywhere, cuts, etc. It was a horrible sight to behold to be honest, I almost felt like throwing up seeing her like that. She then made a scene begging me to take her home to my house. I looked like an asshole to everybody at my work place. She was begging me not to abandon her, and that “you are the only family in this country” that she has.

I took her outside and tried to calm her down. But, ultimately, I told her she is not staying with me. She started making a scene, falling to the ground and clasping my leg. I kinda lost it and started anger crying here, in the parking lot, where people could see me from work. I told her to fuck off, and that I would call the cops on her and ask the building to get her trespassed(idk, if I could I was bluffing here).

I fucking left her there, and turned around. She walked away on her own, idk where she went, after 10-15 minutes. Awkward ass situation she put me in and I had to explain at work. They all think I am the asshole for not helping her out, but my boss knows my situation. My boss is Marks cousin, he was the connection that got me the job.

Of course, I am asshole to people at work, and to people in my family. My parents want to remove me from the will for leaving her bruised and not helping her in a parking lot. Cool, they can go ahead and do that, not like I need anything from them. My female cousin all think I am a monster. My other cousin, a dude, lives in Canada. He is preparing to come down here to help her.

But he is not in Canada right now, the earliest she can get help from him is a week from now. My mom and dad are recovering from something and are under strict orders not to travel, but they want to break that and travel anyway. We will see. Anyway, my cousin, he called me a few minutes ago and blasted me for being a POS, and said I can’t let my sister suffer like this. None of these fuckers know what I have been through.

I have TMJ from getting my jaw decked by Jared. I can’t fix it with botox, I need invasive surgery if it gets worse. He showed up to my previous place of employment when I took my sister in the first time, and made a scene that isolated me socially. I risked everything had to threaten him with a weapon once; if he called the cops on me, I could’ve jeopardized my career with something. She ruined my best friend, after I begged her not to go after the guy. And, after all of it, she still chose him. Fuck me and everything I did for her.

I was 23 years old, I was fucking scared too. Jared is 2 years older than me. My parents fucked off and let me handle everything, just occasionally visiting her. I don’t consider her family anymore. I don’t want to help her. Idk what to do. I don’t understand how my family or anyone can think I am in the wrong here. And it may seem brutal, but after everything, she can sleep in the bed she made. I know it’s not right, but I feel like she has brought this on herself. Just cuz I am her older brother, I am tired of being expected to deal with a literal fucking criminal.

So, I know I am coming on here for validation, and would appreciate validation. But, I think I just need to know it straight. Am I in the wrong here?

TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

u/Money_Banana9416

You’re not heartless, you’re just done bleeding for someone who kept handing the knife back. Protecting your peace after years of chaos isn’t cruel, it’s necessary.

OOP

Thank you man. It seems like everyone who didn’t wanna help the first time around wants to chime in and say how I am wrong. She went back to him after everything he fucking did to her and even me. Why am I expected to undo the choices an adult made?

You don’t understand how validating it is to hear someone understand that I have to put myself first. Thank you man.

u/tigerofjiangdong1337

It really sucks but you have to look out for yourself. One thing I learned in therapy is you cannot be someone else’s life raft. You just end up drowning with them.

She made a stupid decision to get back with him despite you telling her the consequences. She has to live with that.

He might kill her but there is no guarantee he won’t kill you too. Should you choose to intervene again. I would wash my hands of it and maybe i am total asshole but i could live with if she got herself killed. I wouldn’t feel she deserved it because no one deserves to be a domestic violence victim.

But I am also not collateral damage for someone else making dangerous and shitty choices.

I would honestly block all the relatives that say you should help her. Tell them to go help her or shut up. NTA

u/2cents0fucks

As a past abuse survivor: NTA. If it were me, would I help her? Yes. But after what you’ve been through already, I can’t blame you for not wanting to put your job, your safety, and your health at risk.

She made her choice, and ultimately, you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep her warm. She is a perfect candidate for a battered women’s shelter (a lot of times they won’t take people in unless they are being abused, well, she clearly, visibly is). The question you need to ask yourself is, if something terrible happened to her, would you be able to forgive yourself? I don’t say thi…

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  • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
    1·
    4 days ago

    Update - 2 days later (Update) AITAH for not wanting to help my sister with her abusive relationship this time - September 5, 2025

    So the events in the previous post occurred 2-3 ish days ago, and some stuff has happened since then and since I posted it as well. First of all, thank you for the people who understood what it was like and told me I shouldn’t have to clean up after another adult. That was so validating to hear. I know the tide changed a bit after, but I’m putting myself first for the first time in my life.

    Some clarification first; just cuz Mark’s cousin is my boss doesn’t mean I can slack. Mark’s cousin connection helped me land a stage 1 interview. I had to go through 3-4 rounds of the interview process like every other applicant. It’s just that the company usually hires internally for my position, but I was able to come in externally cuz of Marks cousin. I only got the job after the guy they initially hired jumped ship for a better job at another company. Idk why people assumed I can skate by at my job. Plus Mark and his cousin aren’t tight, and his cousin is straight laced and direct to the point.

    So after the fiasco at my workplace, where I gotta make a living, I’m chill with the security guards. As per my boss’(Marks cousin) suggestion, I handed the photos of my sister and her description to building security so that they can make sure I don’t get harassed next time, and they can threaten legal action and trespassing if she doesn’t heed to warnings of not crossing into private property.

    I live in a gated apartment community, so I followed through with the same thing with the leasing/security office for them. Sure enough, the next day, she tried showing up to my apartment complex and using my code to scan in(I gave my code to my parents just in case they visit, they must’ve leaked it to her). She was escorted away, but she must’ve thought she could’ve just waited at the door.

    Unfortunately, was hard to hear, but she was kicking and screaming and begging them to call “her brother” and that I “still love her for sure”. Oh man it fucking hurt to hear. Did a number on me. Suffice to say, this blew up even more in the family group chat. “You got security to chase away your sister”, etc. I’m legit getting threats. My mother sent me a long ass text about how she should’ve aborted me, or prayed for a fucking miscarriage lol. One minute they’re angry I’m ignoring their calls, next minute I deserve to have never been born. And somehow, I’m the bad guy still btw.

    Anyway, Mark didn’t know about any of this. She showed up to his workplace the same day she came to my apartment. Mark was respectful but said he couldn’t help her due to his mental health. He said he would try to talk to me. And yeah, he talked to me and told me if I’m “punishing” her for what she did to him, it’s not needed and I should just help my sister out. I kinda broke down and cried(yeah, yeah, I know) and told him it’s not that it’s just me putting myself first. I’m tired of having to be the one to clean up after her mess always. He understood.

    As for my cousin who was supposed to come to help her; lo and behold guess who “suddenly got some work” when he realized he would have to provide financial support or a place to stay for her? That’s right, the guy who criticized me for not helping has ghosted the family!

    My dad is not able to visit due to some reasons, and my mom, unknown to me guess they never wanted to mention it, is actually immobilized in her leg from a partial stroke or something(idk what it is, I just know it’s something). She can’t come cuz she can’t move and can’t afford to miss PT sessions. Had to find out through a second fucking cousin, who also called to berate me. So it’s hinging on my dad now, who’s also old and unable to travel cuz of some paperwork issue or something(once again I’m not being kept in the loop here).

    I feel horrible about all of this. I hate Jared and hope he’s brought to justice, but I am in line for a promotion at work, I may be able to get my dream role. I’m putting in extra hours. I can’t afford to throw away my life or endanger everything I built for her again. Cuz even if I throw everything away to help her, I can live with it if she’s fine. But she may just go back to that fuck again. I’m putting myself first.

    • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
      1·
      4 days ago

      My friends have been shocked, but supportive. Only they get me since they saw the initial nuclear fallout I had to deal with. When(cuz it’s not an if anymore) my family cuts me off, so be it. I’m okay without them. They’ve done nothing but make me a scapegoat for all their issues(beyond this too) their entire life. I hate those parasites.

      Anyway, thanks for letting me vent guys and sorry for not having a more positive update. Hopefully my last update on the situation. I wanna just live my life and focus on myself.

      TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

      u/CaptainBeefy79

      Next time your sister shows up, can you just drop her off on a bus/train back to your parents home? Then, she’d finally be their problem.

      OOP

      Tbh, I don’t even wanna see her, plus my parents live across the Atlantic back home in their home country. I don’t even think my sister would survive there cuz neither of us know our native language and we’ve never been there.

      And, also, she’s in a terrible condition. Bloody, beaten, bruised, black eye(swollen shut), cuts(literally has gashes over her body and on her lip), etc. I can’t bear to see her like that, it makes me almost throw up. She looks like she’s been in a boxing ring. It’s horrible. The last time I saw her like this was when I had to get her out the first time.

      I fear if I see her once more I may not have the strength to walk away and make the right choice. So for my sake, I can’t see her anymore.

      u/jthr0

      Agree with the commenters below - you’re handling this way better than most people would. And I’m glad to hear that your boss is good with you? He had the right idea about giving her picture & description to the security desk.

      Is there any way to clear your name with some of your colleagues? Is there someone in your workplace that you trust, that you can take out for coffee and explain it all/get their help?

      OOP

      Nah my names dragged through the mud there. I’m competing against another lady for the promotion I mentioned, and she was very quick to hop on this and call me a “patriarchal misogynist” among other buzzwords. A lot of people are on her side. She’s always controlled the “social scene” among the “desk jockey management” like us.

      Thankfully, she was confirmed to be out of the running behind the scenes, and it’s just me and another lady(she’s nice and didn’t hop on it at all, she just does her own thing always). My bosses and corporate don’t care about behavior only results. Idk why she thought dragging my name in front of them would help her in anyway, when I’ve exceeded her quarterlies by a minimum of 17% every quarter, since I’ve joined. She’s older than me and has worked longer than me, so I figured she would understand how soulless and ruthless corporate is about caring about results only, so I’m not sure what her move was.

      If I get the promotion in a couple of months(which seems likely), I’m gonna transition slowly and become full time at the corporate HQ on the other side of the country. No point is engaging in drama trying to clear my name now, imo. As long as the people in charge of the decision know the truth I’m okay with it.

      u/Secret_Double_9239

      NTA you helped her once even though it put you in danger. It’s hard to help people in abusive relationships especially when you are put in danger and there is a chance they could go back to the abuser again. It’s a difficult situation but she needs to file a police report and seek assistance from an abuse organisation.

      OOP

      According to her conversation with Mark, she thinks it’s prudent to “not get the police involved” and she just wants to “go, live with family, and put Jared behind me”.

      I’m of the opinion that if she truly cared and wanted a way out, she would want to bury that asshole under the fucking prison, for what he does to her and has done to me. I don’t think she will ever leave him tbh, and when Mark told me that, it kinda sealed the deal for my slightly wavering mind.

      u/platypod

      Are you familiar with the “golden child/scape goat” dynamic?

      I’m probably reading too much into several of your comments, but it sounds like there are two problems coming from your parents - (1) your sister can do no wrong and must be supported, catered, and deferred to in all things(the golden child), and (2) you are required to be the one to fix family problems, no one else will put in a tenth of the effort they expect of you (the scape goat).

      If that’s the case, it might well be time to step back from your family. Maybe talk to a therapist, spiritual leader, or trusted friends. Find your peace.

      OOP

      Oh my god this is what it is. My parents have always had a soft spot for her cuz she was a preemie and they thought she wasn’t gonna make it the first few months. Thank you, didn’t realize there was a name for it. I’ve always had to be the “older brother” and clean up after her and always put up with anything she does. I still love her but I just don’t have it in me anymore.

      Probably gonna do therapy cuz even though I feel like I made the right choice, every time I close my eyes I still see her bruised/cut/gashed/beat body. It think it’s definitely fucking with me more than I like to admit.

      u/crazeelala2u

      NTA

      Maybe this has been asked. But why haven’t your parents sent for her? She coukd go live with them and help them maybe?

      OOP

      So my parents retired to our “home” country. However, her and I were born and raised in America. We’ve never been to the old country and can’t speak our native language either. Normally this is something that you can adapt to adjust to over time.

      However, in her words not mine, she thinks the motherland is a “shithole country” and she “would never set foot in that shithole”. My parents have always catered to her needs, so even now post retirement, they always come to see us. I’ve never gone to see them either cuz they usually come and see me after catching up with her.

      Basically just an extenuation of her self-hatred/internalized racism imo, is why she can’t go back there. I think she would legitimately prefer this situation than to stay even temporarily with my parents over there which is why she’s never taken them up on their offer.

      • Spacehooks@reddthat.comMEnglish
        1·
        4 days ago

        Final Update - 7 days later (5 days from the last post) (Update 2) AITAH for not wanting to help my sister with her abusive relationship this time - September 10, 2025

        I’m a bit numb. I didn’t think I would make another update, but things have happened. On Sunday, all I know is or heard from family was that my sister went back to Jared and worked things out and didn’t need help.

        Last night, Jared’s sister, who is also my sisters “bff”(I put it in quotes cuz no real bff would allow their friend to stay with an abusive partner even if it’s their brother), showed up randomly. She was cordial and said “things have changed” and that my sister sent her.

        Long story short, unknown to my family and I, Jared had been cheating on my sister(repeatedly, and yeah, what a shock totally out of character). She was disappointed and he denied it. She had the smart idea that getting off birth control, lying to Jared, and baby trapping him would “fix” their relationship. The reason she was trying to get away from Jared and didn’t want the police involved was that she wanted to tell him in a safe space and “go back” after he calmed down. He was beating her cuz he didn’t know why she was trying to leave.

        Well, she ended up telling him on Sunday in the presence of Jared’s sister, and he surprisingly didn’t get mad and hugged her and said “it doesn’t matter I’ve always wanted a family” and promised to “change for their little miracle”. My sister also sent a letter with Jared’s sister confirming everything. She wants me to be their “little miracle’s” godfather. A letter from Jared too, apologizing for the past, and to forgive the “dad of my nephew or niece” and be “one family with them”(deadbeat thinks I’ll hand over cash, I suspect). I sent Jared’s sister out, in a nice and respectful manner and told her I would contact my sister when I felt like it.

        I sat down to process this news and called my family, after unblocking them. Two hour conversation with my dad and the biggest worry for him was something along this: “that kid will be [slur for an illegitimate kid] if it’s born like this, and taint our bloodline; I’m coming over and getting them married, so that we don’t have to dishonor our lineage”. No mention that she’s having a kid with an abusive POS and she doesn’t work and Jared can’t hold down a job. When I mentioned that, he said: “it’s okay I can send money. Whatever happened, too late now, help me fix it instead of being pessimistic”. Of course, they’ll pay for their angel and their angles grandkid.

        I’m totally numb. I feel like the only sane person. Apparently Jared said “I hope she’s a daughter who looks like her mom”, and it made my sister swoon. I’m in fucking shock. These assholes are bringing life into the world like it’s nothing. I’m not a religious person, but I do consider the act of bringing life into the world as sacred and not something done so callously. My sister’s inability to protect herself was one thing; but knowingly bringing in a kid to be raised in that FUCKING TOXIC environment? I have lost ALL RESPECT for her. It’s fucking insane!

        And my family doesn’t give a shit! They don’t care if their grandkid is abused as long as that grandkid is legitimate! What the actual fuck is wrong with these people man!

        I told my friends(Mark and the others). I took off work today to sit down and process this shit. It’s one thing when she makes mistakes and I get dragged into it. She’s not understanding her craziness is going to impact an innocent fucking child that didn’t ask to be born into this shit. I’m so goddamn clueless, idk what to do.

        When I told my folks they said “well she doesn’t want to abort it or anything, are you willing to take care of your nephew/niece”. No man I don’t wanna take care of the kid cuz I got my own life, but I also don’t think that bars me from criticizing her choices, what the actual FUCK. They can’t raise the kid either cuz they’re a bunch of old fucks.

        I just wanting to get this off my fucking chest. I know I cussed a lot, I apologize. I’m dealing with the fact that reality is presenting me a nephew/niece who’s gonna be born to grandparents that value the kids legitimacy over the kids life, a mom that’s obsessed with its dad, an abusive dead beat dad, and an uncle that doesn’t know how to, and probably might not be able to help, especially if I move for work( and the fact I’ve never wanted kids to begin with).

        FROM OOPs DELETED COMMENT

        We are literally Indian(South Asian) ethnically

        TOP/RELEVANT COMMENTS

        u/CocoaAlmondsRock

        Stay away from the whole mess. You can’t fix it. You can’t help someone who is purposely making awful choices.

        Just go NC with… everyone?.. to save yourself the heartache.

        It gets worse from here, but at no point will it be your responsibility.

        OOP

        I am determined to cut my family off, but my heart fucking aches for her future kid. Poor kid didn’t ask to be born into this clusterfuck man. I hate her so much for bringing a kid into the mess she got herself into. This is so fucked. She’s literally told me about how whenever Jared babysits his older brother’s kids, he “plays rough” with them. I’m worried about the kid, my parents, her, and Jared can all fuck off.

        u/marvel_nut

        Tip off the equivalent of CPS wherever you are, as well as the hospital(s) where your sister is likely to give birth, with your concerns that the child will be living in an abusive and toxic environment. With any luck they’ll be able to keep an eye on the family especially if there is a police record of domestic violence.

        u/Apprehensive_War9612

        If he does she will deny he beat her and likely accuse OP.

        OOP

        This is my cause for concern with this option as well. My friends have told me not to make any decisions without consulting a lawyer if I do go down that route, so I will be contacting a lawyer if I choose to get involved in this capacity.

        u/SpecialModusOperandi

        It’s too late now - she’s pregnant. You can’t do anything about the choices that adults make - it doesn’t matter how bad you think the situation is because you can’t make them see.

        All you can do is focus on you.

        This is a repost sub - I am not the OOP.

        Do not contact the OOP’s or comment on linked posts, remember - Rule 7